How to Talk Sexuality with Trans and Non-Binary Teens

By TMPlanet

According to  Rachel Lynn Golden, Ph.D via Psychology Today, there are sex positive ways to approaching the topic of sexuality with your transgender or non-binary child:

1. EDUCATE YOURSELF.

There are a variety of resources you can access to better understand aspects of sexuality, sexual identity, and gender identity. Planned Parenthood , Scarleteen , both have comprehensive websites with information on sexuality and gender identity. Trans Bodies Trans Selves also serves as a textbook with helpful and informative chapters on many aspects of sexuality. It is written from a multitude of voices and perspectives and highlights a diversity of experiences.

2. Start with identities and build from there.

With any adolescent make sure to ask early and with genuine interest and authenticity about different facets of their identity. Create a space for them to tell you about how they understand their gender identity. As romantic and sexual attraction reflect the complexity of the experience of attraction, ask about sexual orientation/identity, and romantic orientation separately. Gender, sexual and romantic identities are distinct parts of the human experience, and there are myriad ways in which the three can converge in each of us. Consider yourself lucky to be trusted with a process of self-identity and discovery. Find ways to let your patients tell you about themselves and describe their experiences on a spectrum or continuum, rather than trying to fit their experience into rigid boxes.

3. Question your presumptions about sexuality.

Know that people from all experiences have their own relationship to sexuality. This means asking every patient about sexuality and not picking and choosing the individuals you have decided are more likely to want to have sex. Challenge your biases about gender, (dis)ability, body type, mental and physical health and their relationship to sexuality. Access resources challenging presumptions about sex and disability as well.

4. Be open in your discussion of pleasure and erogenous zones.

There are all sorts of ways to experience pleasure. Necks, arms, legs, ears and nipples, you name it, there is room for seeking out pleasurable experiences all over our bodies. In addition, conversations about pleasure open up conversations about the exploration of sexuality on one’s own. As with anyone discovering their sexuality, it can help to first figure out some basic aspects of pleasure on one’s own. It allows for individuals to take things at their own pace. This may be particularly important for adolescents who are beginning Hormone Replacement Therapy (HRT) that may be physically shifting their body.

5. Affirm asexuality.

Being sex positive does not imply that all sex is good, or that not having sex means that people will miss out on positive experiences. Rather, it means trusting your patients to know their identities and what experiences of sexuality will be most affirming, including desiring no sexual relationships at all. Affirming asexuality  also means affirming it as an identity, and not just as a route to risk reduction.

6. Talk about dysphoria.

The way in which dysphoria manifests can affect how people experience aspects of sexuality. For example, parts of the body that individuals are comfortable touching or having touched can vary by levels of specific dysphoria about those parts. Remember, individuals experience dysphoria differently. It can be diffuse or specific, and may not be there at all. In your conversations, be gentle. Talking about dysphoria can aggravate dysphoria. You can also ask your patients to let you know how their dysphoria interferes with desire for sexuality. Much like depression, dysphoria may lessen sexual desire altogether.

7. Refer to body parts in a way that makes your client feel affirmed.

Ask your patients how they refer to the parts of their body. Using their terminology provides another opportunity to affirm your patient. Do this both when you are talking together, and in situations where the patient has first consented to your use of that language with other providers. Another option your patient may prefer is that you use parts-first language such as: “People with penises…” and “People with vaginas…” You can also fill in your client’s terminology here. Note that, when you are talking about sexual behavior there are also a variety of ways you can refer to behaviors by just referring to parts.

8. Challenge heteronormative scripts around sexual identity, sexual behavior and gender roles in sexuality.

What truly constitutes sex is up to the person having it. Thus, sex is not only considered sex when it involves penetration. Broadening how you conceptualize sex will allow you the opportunity to talk with patients more authentically about their desires around pleasure, partnership, and sex roles.

9. Talk about consent.

Talk about enthusiastic consent. Talk about it being absolutely OK for your patients to start something intimate and change their mind. Talk about their right to say: “I used to like that, but I don’t anymore.” One way to practice saying yes and then no is to role play with your patients by practicing saying “yes” to talking about a neutral topic in your office, and then having them practice changing their minds and standing their ground. For example, you can practice with examples from the consent video here (link is external).

10. Practice communication.

Communication is essential with sexual partners, and it is critical in supporting affirming sexual relationships. Successful sexual communication allows people to talk about their desires, the areas of their body that provide pleasure, and do or do not provoke dysphoria. Practice asking and answering open-ended questions. To emphasize the importance of communication with sex partners, help your patients to practice how to start conversations about sex on their own. Talk about key points they want to make, and talk about how to ask partners about their desires as well. The goal is for the practiced communication to allow for your patient to flexibly express their experience of desire, consent to participate in sexual behaviors or decisions not to.

11. Be ready for things to change.

As adolescents grow and develop, their desires and motivation to engage in sexual behaviors may shift. Flexibility is especially important with pubertal and HRT-related changes. For example, dysphoria may intensify with puberty. If this happens, parts of the body that did not previously provoke dysphoria may now do so when they are talked about, or touched by self or others. In addition, when adolescents start hormones, changes that come with HRT may shift aspects of desire, pleasure, and dysphoria. Again, be gentle.

12. Make plans for disclosure and safety.

It is by no means a requirement for transgender and nonbinary adolescents to disclose anything about the gender they were assigned at birth or their body parts. Each individual likely has specific goals regarding sharing their gender identity. In addition, they may also face greater risk in intimate relationships and disclosures. This is incredibly important as this risk is well-documented, according to the Williams Institute, 30 to 50 percent of transgender people experience intimate partner violence as opposed to 28 to 33 percent of the general population. Therefore, talk openly about the risk posed to transgender and non-binary individuals without victim blaming. Talk about ways to mitigate risk, as well as is possible. There is excellent information in this  post about disclosing. Some possibilities are to disclose online first, to disclose in public places or with a trusted friend around.

13. CREATE access to care.

Make your office a place where patients don’t have to ask you for information, but where they can get information without even asking. Keep a jar of non-expired internal and external condoms, lube and dental dams in a visible and accessible place. Make sure your patients know they do not need to ask you to take one, two, or as many as they need. Create partnerships with gender and sexuality-affirming medical providers that are easier to access. Build relationship between your patients and these providers. One way is to make phone calls with your patients to help them schedule and connect to services. In addition, have resources at the ready like Vibrant , a company that makes sex toys for parts (not people). They have a section of their blog dedicated to gender-affirming toys. Scarleteen also provides information about sex toys. 

14. Help caregivers affirm their child’s sexuality. When caregivers are involved, work with them to facilitate an understanding of the variety of ways their child’s gender identity, romantic or sexual orientation/identity and desire for sexuality intersect. When caregivers are only beginning to understand their child’s identities or are invalidating about aspects of their child’s identity, it can be very dysphoria provoking for adolescents to answer questions about their gender and sexuality. Be prepared to provide education about the intersection of identities and the diversity of ways that identities present. Talk with the adolescent about having conversations with their caregivers without the adolescent having to be present. Have them let you know what they are comfortable with you answering on their behalf. Work with caregivers to understand that their participation in conversations about sexuality is a critical way to engage and affirm their adolescent and an opportunity to help reduce risk and encourage positive outcomes.

15. Mistakes happen. When you make a mistake, fail to be affirming, or your presumptions make themselves known, just apologize. You can also state that you will work to not make the same error in the future. Then move on. Be sure not to place the burden on the adolescent of working through your error with you. Later, work on addressing your error on your own. One way is to practice your affirming language no matter where you are, or what you are doing.

With gained confidence that a provider is truly acting from a place of affirmation and self-education, transgender and non-binary adolescents may feel free to be more open about their identities and behaviors. Greater openness in conversations can lead to greater accessing of sexuality-related medical care, and a reduction in other risks as well.

In addition, you too may be able to learn, grow and be even more affirming in your practice- and perhaps in your own life as well.

IF YOU WOULD LIKE TO DISCUSS THIS OR ANY OTHER TOPIC ON OUR SITE, PLEASE JOIN THE CONVERSATION ON  THE TMP FORUM

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Growing Outrage at Amazon’s Allowance of Transphobic Doll

By Sabrina Samone

Update 9-10-2017, The company Blue Tree has ceased production of the Tr*** Love Doll. Items sold are by individual sellers that are allowed to sell transphobic material by Amazon.

Hip hop artist, rapper and advocate Nicki Andro¹ first brought the attention of an outrageously offensive item being sold on Amazon by a the company BlueTree Shop². TMP has tried to reach out to the company but was left with a voice message that they are closed until Tuesday due to whether.

There’s many reasons why this is offensive to the trans community. The term, Tranny, originally slang within the community, has been extremely tarnished due to it being adopted by the sex industry, and has since become viewed as degrading by the majority of trans community.

What’s worse than the name is the actual item, a sex doll. It reinforces to young men that it’s ok to sexually objectify transgender women, which is also a leading cause in the constant murders of trans women of color.

Activist Latisha McDaniel has also reached out to the company, and told the company no longer produces this item.³ A degrading item, among many the company has produced including ‘the mini-midget sex doll’ and “the Loving Lamb love doll’. It’s obvious the intent when looking at the other similar products made of it’s views of the bodies of transgender women.

Many are asking Amazon to remove the offensive item.


  1. Nicki Andro is a South Florida rapper, activist and music producer.
  2. Blue Tree is a novelty company at1283 Madison Ave, New York, NY 10128 (212) 369-2583
  3. Transphobic Doll on Amazon
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Trans Woman Executed After Repeated Harassment.

By TMPlanet

UPDATE: August 24th 8pm

St. Louis Post-Dispatch photographer David Carson would be the one to take the photo that stunned a community. Yesterday we posted the story of Kiwi Herring, who after months of being tormented, harassed and threatened by bigoted neighbors, seemed to have been pushed to a breaking point, sadly resulting in officers taking her life. All she was trying to do was live her life peacefully, and raise her kids. That case is still under investigation.

TMPlanet, has been in contact with a few sources online, and after the Tuesday night vigil a frantic call came in screaming, that “they trying to kill all of us!” Since then more information has come to light of what happened.

In the aftermath of the death of kiwi, members of Trans Lives Matter held a peaceful vigil to honor a sister’s life, when suddenly a car plunged through the mourning crowd, injuring three people.

Shocking images of the car hitting pedestrians near the Transgender Memorial Garden– where a vigil was being held for Kiwi Herring– circulated on social media, thanks to David Carson, a photo-journalist for the St. Louis-Dispatch.

Witnesses said at least one person ended up on the hood of the car and suffered minor injuries. The driver then sped away from the area as police gave chase. A police spokeswoman said the driver was arrested shortly afterwards.

She added: “Tonight, a group of protesters marched from the Transgender Memorial to the intersection of Manchester and Sarah where they blocked traffic in all directions.“A vehicle approached, stopped, honked its horn and attempted to drive around the protesters.“The protesters surrounded the vehicle and began striking it with their hands and a flag pole. Several protesters also kicked and jumped on top of the vehicle.”
What our on the ground sources are saying is contradictory to what the police is putting out.
Sources via social media told TMPlanet, that emotions were high and many feared something similar to Charlottesville was happening, along with the entire community mourning for the lost in the community. They are relieved their were no deaths, that the person driving was captured, and can now continue grieving their loss.

Continue reading “Trans Woman Executed After Repeated Harassment.”

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Self Defense: Transforming Fear into Empowerment


A Guest Post
By
Keagan Delaney

A little bit about me.¹

I’ve always known I was different, every trans person knows this feeling. I was fortunate enough to have parents who believed in freedom of individuality, and they had no negative things to say about my sexuality or my gender. Once we got passed the, “Is this a phase?”, part.

I was first introduced to martial arts at the age of 8, and have spent a good part of my life studying different styles both in the formal way; in dojo under the supervision of a sensei ( a martial arts teacher), and in my personal/independent study. I also studied the philosophy behind these arts, and developed a way of life that I call, a Boshido Buddhism. Living by the 7 virtues of bushido, the way of the warrior; courage, compassion, honor, honesty, duty, justice and respect, with the Zen principles of Buddhism, as much as possible.

Self-defense to me, is not just a way to get out of a dangerous situation. It instills a confidence, and ability which enables you to avoid these situations altogether. By having the knowledge to protect yourself, you exude a sense of security. Some people call it energy, some call it chi, some simply say it’s body posture, but whatever it is, it gives potential attackers the idea that you are a bad target, which is what self-defense is all about.

My workshops are heavily influenced by Krav Maga, Aikido and Jujitsu, the focus being to be as efficient as possible. They are comprised of the fastest, most effective moves of many styles, combined with highly aggressive counter attacks that neutralize your attacker as quickly as possible. We learn tactics of deflection of the opponent’s energy, and disarming those with weapons. We incorporate wrist locks and leverage techniques, as well as hand grabs, knife-hand strikes, and knife- gun take-away. In close quarter combat, the most common techniques practiced are throwing an opponent. By using their weight, and momentum to our advantage, as well as vital pressure-points, and escape techniques; to free yourself from a grapple in various situations. These techniques are effective no matter the size, or strength difference between you, and your opponent, and thus are highly effective as self-defense techniques.

Pointers to readers who are unable to get to a workshop, or another type of self-defense class. The three key things to keep in mind. 

Attackers need:

Intent: a reason they believe is justifiable to attack you². Be it hate crimes or muggings, they will have some reason. Believe it or not, this is something we have some influence over. They will target you based on two things, Risk and Reward. Is the risk of injury, or capture worth the potential or perceived reward? Ways we can control this, don’t visually display valuables; laptops, expensive bags, jewelry should not be carried openly. If you must carry it with you have it concealed. Doing this will lower the perceived reward. If you have mace, or pepper spray, or some other self-defense item, that is legal to do so, carry that in a visible location. Get a brightly colored pepper spray, and keep it in a visible, easy to reach location. This can be used as a deterrent by increasing the level or risk to your attacker. Higher risk, lower reward, makes you a bad target. 

A Means to Attack: This could be a weapon, intimidation, or perceived advantage of physical violence. This also, we have some control over. Just like increasing the risk; visible deterrent devices can lower the perceived advantage. Staying out of arms reach of persons you don’t know, or who seem threatening, can decrease the ability to attack you. Staying calm, holding your head up, making eye contact, holding a steady, even verbal tone can decrease the potential attacker’s level of intimidation. Keeping an even tone, and a neutral stance, can also help deescalate verbal confrontations. Even if your heart is beating 1000 times a minute, attackers who feel in control of the situation through intimidation will feel more confident in their success of physical violence. (This is not to say staring down every aggressive person will keep you out of conflict. But if a confrontation arises, these strategies can help ease the tension, and reach peaceful resolution.)


Opportunity: This is a place and/or time to attack you. This is where we have the most control. Along with keeping potential out of arms reach, being aware of your surroundings is the first, and most important step to keeping yourself safe. In order to be attacked, you need to be in a place that is close enough to a busy area to have been noticed, and is easier to escape in, but also secluded enough to not have many, if any witnesses. Alleyways, parking garages, parks, and parking lots are great places to ambush someone. Avoid obviously dangerous areas, these are typically alleyways with little or no lighting, high crime areas, or places where there is a lot of drinking. When parking, and while arriving or leaving at night, park as near to an entrance near you as possible, and in well lite areas. When walking at night especially alone, do not walk with headphones on, this greatly decreases your situational awareness, and makes you a very easy target. Most importantly, trust your gut. If a place feels unsafe, if a person feels dangerous, if you feel like you are being watched or followed, don’t put yourself into that situation. If you are walking and feel unsafe, call a friend, being on the phone with another human being, (even if its fake) makes you a riskier target.

My last two points, if your attacker is only after your material possessions, give them up. Entering any physical confrontation, no matter how skilled, has risk, and no material object in this world is worth dying for.


If the attacker wants your life. You have to put your human instincts to the side, and be willing to injure, and/or kill your attacker. If it’s between your life and theirs, choose survival. Many people, even if it is unconscious, are ingrained to not hurt another human being. If you hesitate, it could kill you. Practice and confidence can be the difference between you getting home safely, or not.

IF YOU WOULD LIKE TO DISCUSS THIS OR ANY OTHER TOPIC ON OUR SITE, PLEASE JOIN THE CONVERSATION ON  THE TMP FORUM



  1. Kegan Delaney is a trans advocate, martial arts, and self defense instructor. You can follow him on his self defense page, Disengagement & Empowerment Group, and on Twitter @dearthair_beag
  2. Trans People are often the target of hate crimes. The epidemic of trans women of color that are killed is why Nov. 20 is National Transgender Day of Remembrance.

 

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58% of Americans Support Transgender Military Service

By TMPlanet

According to a recent poll by Reuters ¹;  A majority of Americans believe that transgender individuals should be allowed to serve in the military.

The  poll conducted between July 26-28 suggested that the country largely disagrees with Donald Trump’s announcement this week², that he will ban transgender personnel from the armed forces.

When asked to weigh in on the debate, 58 percent of adults agreed with the statement,

“Transgender people should be allowed to serve in the military³.” Twenty-seven percent said they should not while the rest answered “don’t know.”

Democrats mostly supported military service by transgender Americans while Republicans were divided on the issue.

Among Republicans, 32 percent said transgender people should be allowed to serve, while 49 percent said they should not. Another 19 percent of Republicans said they don’t know.

Poll Conducted by Rueters

The public was also divided over the impact of banning transgender service members. Some 32 percent said it would “hurt morale” in the military while 17 percent said it would “improve morale.” Another 33 percent felt it would “have no impact” and the rest said they don’t know.

When asked about the impact on military capabilities, 14 percent said prohibiting transgender service members made the military “more capable” while 43 percent said “no impact,” 22 percent said “less capable” and the rest said they don’t know.

The president’s announcement, made in posts on his Twitter account, surprised many senior military officers and appeared to pre-empt an ongoing Pentagon review into its inclusion of transgender service members.

The United States’ top military officer, Marine Corps General Joseph Dunford, said the military will not alter its current policies until it receives additional guidance from Trump’s secretary of defense.

Roger Kaikko, 61, a Trump voter near Cleveland, Ohio, who took the poll, said he disagrees with the president.

“Even the president shouldn’t be able to take rights away from some people just because he may not like them,” Kaikko said. “They’re people too. Unless they’re causing problems, they should serve just like anybody else.”

Opinions about the ban probably will not have lasting impact on the president’s believe anything, devout followers.

Jan Leighley, an expert in political behavior at American University said, “For many people, this is just a distant political issue. When compared to healthcare, immigration or the economy, the president’s stance on transgender issues “is not something that’s going to change their prior beliefs or attitudes” about Trump.

IF YOU WOULD LIKE TO DISCUSS THIS OR ANY OTHER TOPIC ON OUR SITE, PLEASE JOIN THE CONVERSATION ON  THE TMP FORUM


  1.  The Reuters/Ipsos opinion poll was conducted online in English across the United States. It gathered responses from 1,249 adults including 533 Democrats and 434 Republicans. It has a credibility interval, a measure of accuracy, of 3 percentage points for the entire group and 5 percentage points for Democrats and Republicans.
  2. #Notmypresident,

    President Donald Trump announced he was banning transgender people from serving in the military in a series of tweets Wednesday, July 26, 2017. (Images via Twitter)
  3. A 2014 study estimated that 15,500 trans people were currently serving in the U.S. military. The Williams Institute, a think tank at UCLA School of Law that researches gender identity, came to that figure using a 2011 survey of 6,546 transgender Americans. Around 20 percent of that survey’s respondents said they had served in the armed forces. There are currently 1.3 million active-duty personnel in the U.S. military and an additional 800,000 in reserves.
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