Sabrina Samone, TMP

In a few days, we enter the Spring solstice, a time for new beginnings and love.  The tulips are about to bloom, trees are budding, everything is pollinating and we’re feeling all giddy these days. For most trans people that’s where the feelings stop. The idea of going on dates and revealing our identity, being fetishized are challenges we face,  even before we get to the basics of a simple first date, so it can seem more comfortable to just sit and keep smelling the roses instead. Yet, I challenge my sisters and brothers in arms, to resist lingering in the poppy fields and get back on that yellow brick road to the land of OZ and love.

Yes, sounds good on paper, but the problem doesn’t lay with trans people as it does cis-gender people to educate themselves on a few basic principles, that honestly can apply to anyone, of any gender and of any sexuality. Mostly cis-gender men (both straight and gay), have been labeled as fetish seekers, but it’s not always limited to just them. Here are some tips for cis-gender people and other trans people, who may find themselves dating a trans person soon and don’t want to make the dreaded comment “This is something I always wanted to ‘Try’.

♥Dating a Trans Girl?♥

1. Dating a trans girl is just like dating anyone else.

It requires the same level of respect, empathy, and love you should show anyone. If you have dated a human being before, then you already have everything you need to date a trans girl. If you haven’t dated a human being before… go and live your life!

2. Educate Educate Educate

This can’t be stressed enough. Trans women are women, period. She was assigned the wrong gender at birth. Gender is not between the legs but between the ears. She or no one was aware until she experienced gender dysphoria. The simple definition of GD is the condition of feeling one’s emotional and psychological identity as male or female to be opposite to one’s assigned gender. This dysphoria is what makes her trans and she’s in the processes of eliminating dysphoria. Be familiar with a variety of aspects of trans life that’s beyond sex so she won’t feel fetishized. A simple google search can pull up a world of information on transitional medical care, employment opportunities for trans people, politics, etc., that she would be impressed you know when she’s ready to have those conversations.

3. Try not to be fixated on genitals or transness

Imagine that you are on a blind date set up by a co-worker. You’re already nervous cause you don’t like blind dates. You sit down, introduce yourself to your date and in the first five minutes she’s asking you about your genitals; how does it look,, how big it is etc etc., wouldn’t that be a little unnerving? It get’s even worse when the rest of the entire dinner conversation is about you being a man or woman, or worse your race or nationality. Make sure to include all aspects of human life as you would with anyone else. She knows the ends and outs of being trans, she’s interested in dating you not teaching you. Which goes back to #2, the education is your homework, not hers.

4. Backhanded compliments aren’t flattering

We all like compliments and we like giving them to the one we’re interested in but avoid statements like “Wow, I would have never known you were born male — you look just like a woman!” or something similar isn’t a compliment — it’s just rude. The message that is being conveyed to trans women with this type of exchange is that we’re engaging in a form of trickery, a disguise to pass as something we’re not. As Janet Mock, author of Redefining Realness put it: “I am a woman. I live my life as a woman and that’s how I should be perceived. I’m not passing as anything — I’m being. Being myself.”

5. Be yourself and allow your date the same privilege

A date should be fun if it’s to be remembered and repeated, so relax, have fun and allow your date to do the same. Any person on a date has expectations of what is to be expected; she may possibly be wondering if you are a typical chaser and you may be wondering about perceived perceptions based on knowledge only you have been given. It’s important for any date, that you place the attention on your date and not thoughts of co-workers or high school friends that just happen to see you and your date. It’s more than likely no one notices unless your nervous behavior draws suspicion. Relax, be yourself, enjoy the conversation with this new person you have a chance in life to sit and get to know. Cheers if it grows.

♥Dating a Trans Guy♥

1. Dating a trans guy is just like dating anyone else.

Yes, you read correctly and it requires the same level of respect, empathy, and love, that you should show anyone. If you have dated a human being before, then you already have everything you need to date a trans man. If you haven’t dated a human being before… go and live your life too!

2. Trans Men are not Lesbians

This goes back to the point of educate, educate, educate yourself. Trans men are men, period. He was assigned female at birth, which causes gender dysphoria.

GD is treated by transitioning from the assigned birth that does not match with the brain activity of that person. That includes not only how he perceives himself and likes to be perceived, but his mind functions literally all male. Again, be familiar with a variety of aspects of trans life that’s beyond sex so he won’t feel fetishized. A simple google search can pull up a world of information on transitional medical care, employment opportunities for trans people, fitness, etc., that he would be impressed you know when he’s ready to have those conversations.

       3. Try not to be fixated on genitals or transness

Again, regardless if a person is trans or cis, don’t put their genitals on the dinner plate. It’s not an ideal topic for someone having a simple first date but especially troubling if your trans and possibly more so for trans men. SRS procedures for trans men have been lagging behind the developments of trans

women for some time, though we are now finally, at the most progressive time for trans-masculine procedures in history, it is still unattainable or not wanted by many due to cost and higher complications than their female counterparts. Let him come to you when he is comfortable to talk to you about it, this varies for every trans person, but the majority of us have gender dysphoria of this area the most.  Avoid putting a spotlight on his transness; assuming he is a bottom would be very incorrect or using female names and ideas to address him.

4. Backhanded compliments are still bad here too

Starting your date and asking about top surgery or saying, “I’d never know you were assigned female at birth”, are not ways to get a second date. Also, many do nots are; how long have you been on T? Have you or will you have bottom surgery or any other suggestive language about what’s in his pants. Again, place yourself in their shoes. If you wouldn’t be comfortable being asked a question, why would you? Telling a trans guy, “Wow, when I met you, I thought you were just a normal guy”, may get you left with the check. This conveys again, that trans people are living their lives, spending life savings on transitional care, dealing with discrimination all to trick cis people. Being trans is not about you, it’s about the person whose trans. Respect that.

5. Being yourself and allowing someone to do the same goes a long way

Wheather you are dating interracially, across regions, nations or religions: dating trans people are no

different. We’re just like any other human, just given human labels. No one wants their culture or beliefs to be interrogated on a date and trans people aren’t different. Enjoy the here and now that the universe has brought to you and enjoy meeting a new person who may or may not bring up their lives as a topic. It’s their choice and if you allow them to be themselves and you yours, then here to a beautiful spring romance.

♥Dating Trans when Trans♥

If you’re cis and reading this, yes it’s true, trans people actually don’t need cis people to date and find love. I know it’s been in the news feeds over the past year about TERF, and gay trans bashers speaking out why they don’t want to date a trans person. If anyone is listening let me say my piece, “Who said I wanted to date you?” Despite these ignorant comments by transphobic, often LGB people, let me clarify; the majority of trans people are pansexual, like gender, sexuality is and can be fluid. So not all trans people are running after cis people, most of us are running from them for various reasons. Trans people are a multitude of sexualities or none at all, so that leaves a smaller percentage than many TERF’s fantasize about, that are seeking relations with cis-gender people. While a lot of issues can be similar with trans dating another trans, it’s safe to say the level of anxiety is greatly reduced, but still, we are here to give ideas on what not to do.

1. Don’t assume you know everything about trans life

Every trans person has a different experience, different levels of dysphoria, and even environmental conditioning. Trans topics may come up more rarely with another trans person but if it happens don’t assume your transition is a blueprint for transearth. Some of us have been fortunate to have understanding family and friends, while many have not. This makes a difference; while one may wish to be open and frank the other may still carry the weight of stigma attached to being trans, and remain reserved on the topic. Dysphoria is different for all of us; many have extreme genital dysphoria and some are dealing with what they have for the moment. These are things obviously discussed several dates in when both are comfortable, again, as in the case of dating a cis person leave bedroom talk for the bedroom.

2. Avoid blending competition

Yes, I went there. Minorities in America, from my perspective, due to oppression, sadly have learned how

to further oppress our own. It’s in every culture, some more than others, and trans society is no different. Western culture places so much emphasis on beauty standards that half the planet is dying to achieve an unrealistic version of a superhuman. For trans people, though as a community we fight this perception, many aspire to walk undetected among the cis masses. That’s ok if that’s how you choose your journey, but don’t throw it in your date’s face, if you feel that they don’t match those standards, or be the one who throws it in their face that their in-detection is a negative to the community. Respect their choice to live their trans life, just as you have chosen yours, and in that mutual respect, happy romances are can bloom.

3. Respect

This is simple, just respect their preferred pronouns, their chosen terminology of self-expression and how they view their body.

Dating trans while trans may be less exhausting but it still requires respect for a person’s choice, and not assuming those choices are identical to yours. If you find yourself on a date with a potential trans hottie this spring, remember, respect a person as you would want to be respected. It all comes down to respect. We as trans people deserve it, require it and demand it no less than the rest of the human race.

♥Non Binary dating♥

1. Do Listen to Your Date, Don’t Invalidate Their Experiences

If your date has trusted you enough to talk about their gender and their experiences as non-binary, it is important not to break that trust.

If you aren’t non-binary, or even if you are, you may not relate to or understand everything your date is saying. That understanding will come with time. Your job, for now, is to listen and validate those experiences.

2. Do Educate Yourself About Non-Binary People. Don’t Expect Your Date to Teach You

If you want a second date with your non-binary partner, doing some research on your own time is the way to their heart, I promise.

While it’s great to ask questions and be curious, your date wants a date – not to be your educator. The role of an educator can be stressful, tedious, and tiring. It’s also unfair to expect your date to teach you everything there is to know.

3. Even cisgender and trans-binary people, can benefit from loosening and abandoning gender norms and expectations.

We are all multi-layered creatures with our own unique dating and sexual histories. Wouldn’t it be better to start a relationship without any assumptions about how many partners or what kind of sex you prefer but to discover those things with someone new as you get to know them? I encourage all folks who are out in the dating world to be open and do their best not to assume but to listen and learn from their new loves.

 

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1. While I’m not a relationship expert by any means, I am a Demi-Hetero-pan leaning transgender woman of color, whose has had her experiences of dating while trans throughout my adult life. Along with friends and acquaintances in the trans community. If you feel I was incorrect or could have elaborate or just voice your opinion. Please feel free to contact many on this topic or any on TMP @ Transmuseplanet@gmail.com Sincerely Sabrina Samone, CEO, TMP Media Group